On dating, on fuckbois, and other things

First off, I want to start my blog off by addressing the fact that it’s now empty. Everything I previously posted has been made private. Why, you may ask? Because it was full of the past, the fact that I was pretending to find myself when really, I was still living for the acceptance of a boy who would never love me the way I loved him. I couldn’t fully move on and find myself when I was stuck to the past. Thus, I started my first few months in SF confined to my room, wasting my time in this beautiful city and not really enjoying it, even though I pretended to. I sought to find myself but only found my heart stuck in Michigan, not embracing what this city has to offer. (Um, everything?? Except affordable housing.)

Well, it’s time to move on. I’ve learned a lot since ending my relationship, but that’s a story for another time. For now, I want to talk about moving on and to discuss DATING LIFE in the CiTy.

SPOILERS! It fucking sucks.

I am truly a Midwest girl living in a big(ish) city. Admittedly, I use that as part of my charm whilst dating (and in non-dating relationships). “I’m so Midwest!” I laugh as I don’t understand half the things people are telling me. They always laugh back and respond similarly, “Ha! Oh you Midwest girl, you!” Am I exploiting myself? Yes. Do I care? No. It’s a cutthroat dating world out there, and I need to stand out in any way possible. Even if my script is naive Midwestern girl, because let’s face it…I am.

I entered the SF dating world coming out of a three year, up and down, on and off relationship. Most of my three years was living with my partner, so as often happens in long-term relationships, my identity molded around him (and vice versa). When I was thrown (eye closed and headfirst) into the world of dating, I had no fucking idea what I was getting into. To be quite honest, I didn’t really know who I was. To be even more honest, I still don’t know. I’m learning along the way. Along the way, I’m also learning of this new, futuristic dating world that didn’t exist even three years ago. Dating apps?? WTF are those?  When I started dating my ex, Tinder was a new creation, almost a joke in my circle of friends. I think I downloaded it once in 2013 just for shits and giggles. I would read first liners that consisted of, “Come over and fuck me” and “Let’s get married,” and use it as laughing material. Moving to the SF three years later, dating apps are all the rage and there’s no stigma at all here. The League, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, OKCupid. How do you choose?

Me trying to catch all the guys

Idfk. So I tried them all. It was then I was introduced to the idea of “fuckbois”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve have tons of friends in the single, dating world. “Fuckboi” is a term I’ve been familiar with but never related to, so imagine my surprise when single me is thrown into the world of fuckbois. All of a sudden, every guy is seemingly a fuckboi because…well, no reason, they just are. At least, my single female friends say this.

The following is the most popular Urban Dictionary definition for “fuckboi”:

A guy who tries to get with everyone. A player. A guy who will lie to a girl to make them hook up with them or send pics. They think they are the shit when they aren’t. A guy who will only date a girl for their body. A total ass. A guy that will make a girl cry and laugh, and a guy who lies when they said I love you.

If you go on Urbandictionary.com and look up “fuck boy” or “fuckboi” the results are hilarious but similar in nature. Mostly, it’s defined as a player, a guy dating several girls at once. But in the world of dating, what does that make me? Seriously, in a dating world where there is always more options, why is the guy labeled a “fuckboy?” My recently single roommate, who is in her 30’s and knows what she wants, goes on multiple dates a day. The other day, she had two separate dates- a 1PM and 5PM- in the same area. I almost peed my pants in worry for her.

And then there’s me — single, “naive”, Midwest girl, who goes on a wonderful date with a guy and proceeds to freak out about how wonderful it is. So what do I do? I go home and swipe some more. In the age of technology, it is so easy to avoid confrontation and instead, distract, distract, distract.

Doesn’t that make me a “fuckboi?”

Why do guys get called fuckbois when girls are doing similar things?

Truthfully, this style of dating is NOT for me. I find myself anxious, wondering if a guy I previously went on a date with will run into me on another date. Not that it matters, but I personally can’t handle it. And then I went out realized I am actually pretty extroverted and make friends very fast…especially when drinking. Maybe soon I will go back to the world of dating apps, but for now I’m going to try and meet people “organically” and hope that gets me somewhere.

What is dating like for you? Let me know! I need all the help I can get.

8 thoughts on “On dating, on fuckbois, and other things

  1. it does sort of suck… but coming from someone who was in a terrible relationship before finding my fiance – I PROMISE it will all be worth it when you do find each other. don’t rush it. don’t cave to pressure. be unequivocally yourself and don’t settle for a situation you know isn’t right. you got this! 😉 enjoy your amazing city!!

  2. I have some friends who are big in the dating life in San Francisco. It’s interesting to see apps popping up everywhere that connects people together for a potential date. I mean not everyone gets that perfect person. The way I see it, if you feel like you’ve met the right person, you wouldn’t feel the need to swipe anymore and see what happens with the other person.

    It’s fine that dating apps is not for you. San Francisco is a big city, you’ll definitely have lots of opportunities to meet people in person!

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. It’s definitely not perfect but we try out best to work together :).

    1. Before I moved out here, I researched dating life in SF (before my ex-SO and I decided to try LDR) and all I could find were complaints from both guys and girls. And then I made my first friends here and they had the same complaints. I haven’t been single long enough to be super annoyed with the dating system, but I’m learning a lot! Especially with the apps/technology life in the the tech hub of the country! So happy you and your boyfriend have got it figured out 🙂

  3. You’re young and gorgeous, enjoy your life and definitely do the organic thing. If love happens, it’ll happen. I definitely wouldn’t stress about multiple dates or anything like that 🙂

    And honestly, I used the dating apps to boost my self esteem *side eye glance with a whistle* I was in an 11 year relationship (married 6 of those years), and then caught him in an 8 month affair. I was pretty messed up for a while and then a friend said, “hey let’s have some fun.” I chose Okcupid for my poison, and man, seeing the likes pour in, really helped the self esteem. Most of the messages I got, I definitely would of termed fuckboi … especially those guys where I had no compatibility whatsoever when it came to the scoring system… but I did get one who actually wanted to have a logical discussion with me. And I took a chance on coffee with him.

    We’ve been dating for almost two years now. And honestly, when it happens and you click with someone, you’ll just know it. 🙂

    1. Thanks Kristina! I went on the dating apps after a terrible and tumultuous LDR…definitely used it as an ego boost as well. It’s nice when you match with someone you find attractive–feels really good! I think I just got into it way too soon and got hurt too fast after a breakup. Casual dating is still so new to me, and especially crazy here in SF where technology is king. Gonna take a break and work on myself and hope as I do, someone will come along the way. So happy for you and your man! 🙂

  4. As someone who has only been single about a month in the last six years, I understand your initial views on how dating has changed. When I was single, no one really talked about online dating sites or anything like that, and I can’t imagine what dating is like now. I’d be so terrified to make a profile! It’s great that you’re putting yourself out there. Hope that it all goes well!

    I have a lot of friends who use Tinder, and some of them have actually got into long-term, serious relationships from there. I think online dating is so much more acceptable than it used to be, and it’s really a great thing. Except for having to filter out all the weirdos, but you have to do that IRL anyway!

    Good luck with the dating life! Hope it all goes well for you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *