On dating, on fuckbois, and other things

First off, I want to start my blog off by addressing the fact that it’s now empty. Everything I previously posted has been made private. Why, you may ask? Because it was full of the past, the fact that I was pretending to find myself when really, I was still living for the acceptance of a boy who would never love me the way I loved him. I couldn’t fully move on and find myself when I was stuck to the past. Thus, I started my first few months in SF confined to my room, wasting my time in this beautiful city and not really enjoying it, even though I pretended to. I sought to find myself but only found my heart stuck in Michigan, not embracing what this city has to offer. (Um, everything?? Except affordable housing.)

Well, it’s time to move on. I’ve learned a lot since ending my relationship, but that’s a story for another time. For now, I want to talk about moving on and to discuss DATING LIFE in the CiTy.

SPOILERS! It fucking sucks.

I am truly a Midwest girl living in a big(ish) city. Admittedly, I use that as part of my charm whilst dating (and in non-dating relationships). “I’m so Midwest!” I laugh as I don’t understand half the things people are telling me. They always laugh back and respond similarly, “Ha! Oh you Midwest girl, you!” Am I exploiting myself? Yes. Do I care? No. It’s a cutthroat dating world out there, and I need to stand out in any way possible. Even if my script is naive Midwestern girl, because let’s face it…I am.

I entered the SF dating world coming out of a three year, up and down, on and off relationship. Most of my three years was living with my partner, so as often happens in long-term relationships, my identity molded around him (and vice versa). When I was thrown (eye closed and headfirst) into the world of dating, I had no fucking idea what I was getting into. To be quite honest, I didn’t really know who I was. To be even more honest, I still don’t know. I’m learning along the way. Along the way, I’m also learning of this new, futuristic dating world that didn’t exist even three years ago. Dating apps?? WTF are those?  When I started dating my ex, Tinder was a new creation, almost a joke in my circle of friends. I think I downloaded it once in 2013 just for shits and giggles. I would read first liners that consisted of, “Come over and fuck me” and “Let’s get married,” and use it as laughing material. Moving to the SF three years later, dating apps are all the rage and there’s no stigma at all here. The League, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, OKCupid. How do you choose?

Me trying to catch all the guys

Idfk. So I tried them all. It was then I was introduced to the idea of “fuckbois”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve have tons of friends in the single, dating world. “Fuckboi” is a term I’ve been familiar with but never related to, so imagine my surprise when single me is thrown into the world of fuckbois. All of a sudden, every guy is seemingly a fuckboi because…well, no reason, they just are. At least, my single female friends say this.

The following is the most popular Urban Dictionary definition for “fuckboi”:

A guy who tries to get with everyone. A player. A guy who will lie to a girl to make them hook up with them or send pics. They think they are the shit when they aren’t. A guy who will only date a girl for their body. A total ass. A guy that will make a girl cry and laugh, and a guy who lies when they said I love you.

If you go on Urbandictionary.com and look up “fuck boy” or “fuckboi” the results are hilarious but similar in nature. Mostly, it’s defined as a player, a guy dating several girls at once. But in the world of dating, what does that make me? Seriously, in a dating world where there is always more options, why is the guy labeled a “fuckboy?” My recently single roommate, who is in her 30’s and knows what she wants, goes on multiple dates a day. The other day, she had two separate dates- a 1PM and 5PM- in the same area. I almost peed my pants in worry for her.

And then there’s me — single, “naive”, Midwest girl, who goes on a wonderful date with a guy and proceeds to freak out about how wonderful it is. So what do I do? I go home and swipe some more. In the age of technology, it is so easy to avoid confrontation and instead, distract, distract, distract.

Doesn’t that make me a “fuckboi?”

Why do guys get called fuckbois when girls are doing similar things?

Truthfully, this style of dating is NOT for me. I find myself anxious, wondering if a guy I previously went on a date with will run into me on another date. Not that it matters, but I personally can’t handle it. And then I went out realized I am actually pretty extroverted and make friends very fast…especially when drinking. Maybe soon I will go back to the world of dating apps, but for now I’m going to try and meet people “organically” and hope that gets me somewhere.

What is dating like for you? Let me know! I need all the help I can get.